It’s been suggested countless times, by people far too numerous to mention, that I should begin writing a blog. I mean, yes, they weren’t actually that specific but I could read all the signs. Someone said to me, “You do use rather a lot of foul language on Twitter” (admittedly, my liberal peppering of ‘fuck this’ or ‘fuck that’ on my employer’s social media presence was subsequently reined-in) but I could see the underlying message was that people were gagging for me to commit my inane observations to virtual paper.
Well, until two or three years ago I’d managed to maintain quite a frequent blog presence, but it was a bit shit, and very few people read it. To be honest, it all just descended into a rant about the state of society and some photographs of dog turds. Perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned all this in my opening gambit? I’m sure your expectations of this new (surely superior) blog must have been greatly reduced.
In starting a blog there is always a temptation, often without realisation, to use one’s newfound publishing power for bitching and shit-stirring at the first whiff of mild personal inconvenience. So, I shall wipe the slate clean before I go any further. Listed below are ten things that really grind my gears.
- Crocs. Unacceptable in all circumstances! Surely mankind’s worst legacy?
- Socks with sandals, ditto above.
- The incorrect deployment of apostrophes (or lack thereof).
- The inability to distinguish between there and their or they’re.
- Neighbours who pile additional bin bags on top of an already overflowing wheelie bin as they’re too fucking precious to raise their bingo wings to open the empty bin alongside. In a just society I would be allowed to pour the contents of the bags onto the cars of those responsible without repercussions. For now I just have to seethe in silence.
- Being pursued by hipster chuggers that spin clipboards on their index fingers.
- Corporate-types who think they sound clever by spouting bollocks, e.g. “We need to facilitate greater consumer engagement” (talk to customers more often).
- Public transport. I don’t drive, thus I am persecuted mercilessly every day.
- Comic Sans. If you ever feel this to be an apt choice of typeface you should be served with an injunction to prevent you getting within typing-distance of a computer.
- Trolls. Stop causing arguments and upsetting people, grow up.
Sure, I could have gained enormous joy from naming specific people or organisations, but as my tenth gripe indicated – I don’t feel that bashing people online is especially clever, and it often only serves to make the author look more of a twat than their subject. Although, to come clean, I must put my hands up to repeatedly labeling a certain bus company as ‘a bunch of cunts’ on my personal Twitter account. Like a fry-up it felt masterful and clever at the time, but caused unpleasant ‘eggy’ farts later on.
Nope. I’m going to be nice on this blog, well-behaved, polite, the perfect house-guest. I promise.