Coming Soon: Zombie Hamster Apocalypse

It feels like a lifetime since I last wrote a blog. I’ve simply been so busy during the past few weeks. Yes, I know, every blogger on the planet says just the same – the actual truth of the matter is that they found their time was more occupied by the PlayStation or falling asleep with a glass or wine in their hand.

But honestly, I’ve had a lot on at work and it’s left me rather tired in the evenings… snoozing with a glass in my hand.

I really do work; although I appreciate that advertising isn’t really work in the truest sense. I wasn’t very academically focussed at school, my mind was always elsewhere dreaming-up some complete nonsense or playing scenes from movies in my head rather than listening to whoever was at the front of the class. Thankfully it turned out that to work in advertising I actually needed a wandering mind, and no other specific qualifications.

Anyway, once again I now have the gift of time – a week off work! So, I got my screenplay out of the drawer this morning to work on it some more. Yes, screenplay. In the past year I have scribbled a massive six pages of bizarre and largely meaningless notes plus a few cool lines that I may have subconsciously heard in other movies that I can’t quite remember. Yes, I have been known to be ‘that guy’, sitting in cafes with my notepad secretly hoping that a major feature film director will pop in for a latte, spot my scribblings, get chatting, see the seeds of a new blockbuster and invite me to follow him to LA where we can talk more about the casting and shooting dates for my epic. Naturally, there would be a substantial fee involved, and I’d need an apartment near the studio, expense account etc – but it’s okay, I’ll let the lawyers deal with all the details. I promise I won’t let the razzle-dazzle of Hollywood go to my head.

Mountford on the set of his widely-mocked 2010 feature 'Killer Mice from Mars'.

Mountford on the set of his widely-mocked 2010 feature ‘Killer Mice from Mars’.

So, how would I summarise my plot? Well, I don’t want to give away the whole idea because I reckon it’s worth millions. But as a sneak preview here’s the dialogue that we’re going to stick on the cinema teasers – I have Morgan Freeman in mind, but I’m open to other suggestions –

“2035, the printed word is a faded art. Mankind’s endeavours exist as nothing more than code. You exist as code. Everything you’ve ever done, everything you’ve ever written, every photograph you’ve taken; every lie you’ve told and secret you’ve guarded. What if there were an exploit to open the floodgates? A switch to turn off the privacy – for everything, for everyone, everywhere; today.”

I was going to embark on making ‘The Exploit’ by myself, but it occurred to me that my idea falls somewhat beyond the realms of a low-budget indie film. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Hollywood would be blown-away by my reel of commercials for cash-for-gold schemes and beer multipacks, yet I don’t think any of the studios would give me a hundred-million dollars to make this baby a reality. Their loss. So, I need to cook up something more straightforward. I’m thinking some kind of zom-com, not human zombies though… hamsters. A zombie-hamster apocalypse set against the backdrop of Felixstowe in the rain. The level of investment would be minimal, and I’m sure it would do extremely well on the festival circuit.

Oh shit, sorry, got to dash – I think I’ve just spotted Spielberg coming out of Greggs!

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