“But, Gerald Needs an Aga”

“But, I wanted a kitchen with a centre-island!” exclaims Anne as the show’s presenter stands beside her looking crestfallen. He thought he had found the couple the perfect traditional farmhouse.

The semi-retired old farts have six-hundred grand to spend yet are both solemnly shaking their heads, still reeling from their disappointment at the lack of a Belfast sink in the middle of the kitchen. Husband Gerald can live without a less-than-practical sink, especially in a kitchen that already has a dishwasher; but nope, the Aga looks like the deal-breaker. The presenter sighs and gestures towards the end of the kitchen, “Gerald, that IS an Aga, I’ve found you a house with an Aga, I called every estate agent in the county to find one for you.” Gerald rests his bearded chin in his hand, “It’s red. I didn’t really have that in mind. I guess it’s a compromise we’re going to have to really think long and hard about.”

The dining room was also a let-down. Both agree that there just isn’t the space for entertaining; “I just can’t see myself hosting a dinner party here, all our friends have said they want to visit us, that’s why we really need the extra three bedrooms and the guest annex.” The host of the show rolls his eyes, “Your daughter lives in Australia and your friends are going to be three-hundred miles away, why the fuck do you need the room for a twelve-seater dining table?” Anne is keen to become a busybody in her new community, “I want to join the local Women’s Institute, and Gerald has spotted there’s a golf club nearby… actually I think that any house we look at needs to be near a golf club.” Gerald glances smugly at the presenter and completes Anne’s sentence “…with a cream Aga, and a Belfast sink.”

Anne and Gerald are tediously dull and highly irritating, and the presenter has met their type in countless other episodes – pension pots full to the brim and a newfound desire to move to the country, all whilst whining like fuck that the two-acre lounge won’t be large enough, or that the paddock at the rear isn’t large enough to accommodate the Emu they’ve both wanted for so long.



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